Rounding into the Big 3T
May 6th, 2008I try not to use twoumbrellas as a place for personal posts (other than my reading and political opinions) but I am finding that I am becoming more and more self-absorbed - not necessarily to a fault (or at least a great fault). I am pregnant. I am due to have a baby girl in July. I have just rounded into the third trimester and I feel that these approaching last weeks have changed me and will continue to change me. Change is not a bad thing. I embrace it.
But there were times that I didn’t. I find that being pregnant I have let my body take control over me. Naturally, it has a way of doing that. I can’t control the physiological changes - though I pretended I could in the beginning by trying to document (i.e. worry) over every single change or feeling (physically or emotionally) I had. I lost that battle. I continue to lose that battle. Now, though, I am learning to let go. I am getting bigger - by the minute, it seems, especially if I consider how much I eat during the day. I am big enough now that I am beginning to feel as though this hugeness is not just me. I can feel hands and feet pushing and kicking; I walk down the street or sit in my cube and I am reminded that I am not alone with a swift kick in the rib or an eerie push on my now-nonexistent belly button. And there are times when I lay in bed and forget - actually forget - that I am pregnant and try to just roll over or get up. My body quickly reminds me that it is in control: I roll out of bed and when I walk it’s much slower and with a bit of a waddle. Yet, for the most part, I don’t mind giving in to my body and my passenger.
As I sit here feeling all of those little jabs I am constantly reminded of how surreal this experience is. It still doesn’t feel quite real despite its visceral reality. It’s not that I don’t feel ready for the baby. It is an amazing experience creating and having a new family member. I think there is a slight disconnect, which of course, makes me feel as though I may not be ready or I’m in denial or (worse) that I’m going to be a bad mother – How can I not always feel connected to my baby (who has yet to be born!)? Have I not changed my perspective? Will I continue to be self-absorbed or, at least, self-concerned? The more I think about it the more I wonder if being a little selfish is such a bad thing. I don’t want to become a new person and I can’t deny that I will be a changed person. I cannot wait, however, to see what kind of person she will become.

I was a little surprised by William Faulkner’s 

I thoroughly enjoyed